Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
