He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
