So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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