I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
