I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My life is pants optional.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
