I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
