There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
