Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize