i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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