Me. At least after what I've been through.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
