What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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