Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
