I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
