I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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