I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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