I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
