Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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