How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
