I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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