i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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