There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
