i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
