the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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