her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When are your genitals available?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
