i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
