I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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