I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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