Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
