we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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