Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
