Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize