I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
