I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
