I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
