Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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