So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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