maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
