saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
