around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
