i wish my penis had a tongue
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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