Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
