At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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