I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
