Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
someone get that fucking seahorse.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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