She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
