Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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