hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
