Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
