The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
