either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
