Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
