It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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