Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it was like eating out sand paper
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
