you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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