Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
