I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
