4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
