so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
