Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
