i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
