we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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