youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize