Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize