you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
ttyl tear gas
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
