He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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