Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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