She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
