yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize