When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
