You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
