Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize